You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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