i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
