This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
