"it" just moved
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I wanna passion pit in your ass
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Operation Purity has been aborted
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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