and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
