12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
