he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
