you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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