we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
