The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
