So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
After tacos, we're chasing women.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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