Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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