In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
