i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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