A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
