I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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