I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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