Tell her she can't have a vagina
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
