There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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