Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
