wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
