The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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