I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
