True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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