im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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