Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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