Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
