I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
