You just made me feel so damn special
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
