So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
