life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
