i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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