i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
