you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
