I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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