Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
