god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
