We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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