I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
