She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
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