think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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