After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
