I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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