I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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