I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Send help, water and tortillas.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
