The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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