I saw his package. It spoke to me.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
