i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
