Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
