He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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