I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
