The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
